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2006-04-29 - 1:23 p.m.

Clear As Mud (The Transparent Kind Of Mud)

I'm not sure what happened this week, but after requesting Quoted submissions for my birthday present, I only got one submission total for the week. This submission came from Weetabix. I think she responded partly because it was my birthday, partly because she loves Quoted and partly because I bribed her with naked pictures of Abe Vigoda.

But...I don't think I was supposed to mention that third part in a public forum.

I don't know what all of this means, exactly. Apparently, requesting Quoted submissions results in less submissions than normal. So, using reverse psychology, this week I am requesting that all of you do not submit any quotes. Do not select 'Submit A Quote' from the drop down menu at the bottom of this entry. Do not get the quote selected and displayed to billions of people, who then read the profound words, shake off their hypocrisy and discrimination, find universal compassion for their fellow human beings, and live together in harmony, peace, understanding and unconditional love.

Of course, the fact that I already told you that my strategy is "reverse psychology" may render the entire technique useless. So, if that is the case, please add a sarcastic tone to the previous paragraph, or add the word "not" in the appropriate places. Except for the first two sentences, because they are true.

Oh, and I don't want to appear sarcastic about the concept of world peace, so put another layer of sarcasm on top of the existing sarcasm for about 80% of the last sentence in the paragraph previous to the paragraph previous to this one...except for the case where you choose to add the word "not" to the appropriate places, in which case, add the word "not" to appropriate places in this paragraph...except for the part where I am telling you to add the word "not" to the appropriate places, of course.

Well, I think it is pretty darn clear what you need to do next. Unless it isn't, in which case, just read these quotes...

From BettyBigHead (Sent by Weetabix):

Speaking of God (what a segue!) I went in [to the ladies room] the other day and heard a voice say, "That's what I said." Keep in mind that the building I work in is one of the older ones on campus and my floor is rarely used for classes any more. Even though there are 8 stalls, I'm used to it pretty much being my private restroom. Now, I am a Catholic Girl and this is a faith-based university so you can imagine the weirdness of hearing a disembodied voice in what I thought was an empty room. The bible verse, "If at first you hear His voice, harden not your heart" came to mind but the necessity of my trip reminded me to take care of personal business first before pondering celestial messages. Once that need was met, I realized it was someone talking on her cell phone and not to me. How embarrassing would that have been if I had answered?

From undesirable:

Having been to a fair amount of concerts, I am dumbfounded that people still don't understand yelling out the song they want to hear has about a 2% chance of being played in response to their shouts.

This especially goes for that one guy who always has to yell "Freebird!"

From vinylgirl:

All that remains from our love is a few fuzzy images, a few moments we cling to as comfort blankets, a couple old love letters, and suddenly an entire relationship with all its subtleties has been reduced to the equivalent of a twenty minute montage.

From justjones:

There is an inordinate amount of choking episodes in my office. I don't understand this, could it be an epidemic? I don't mean full-on choking requiring the Heimlich manuever and such, just the *chokechokechokegaspcough* fits that often end with someone dashing into the victim's cubicle to slap them heartily on the back. Maybe these are misguided attempts to simulate a feeling a praise, since it's about the only back-patting one can expect in that place.