2005-12-22 - 9:06 p.m.
Ho Ho Quotes
Ah, 'tis the season for Quotes. Well, actually, 'tis the season for my wife to force me to do holiday shopping and decorating. We got our Christmas tree up, most of our presents purchased and wrapped, and all of the Christmas lights hung up on our house. We have a really high roof so I'm glad I didn't fall off the ladder and garrote myself on a string of Christmas lights, because my obituary would have been so humiliating.
Not that I didn't try to get some good quotes of my own this month. Every time I was vegging out at the computer and my wife asked me to help her, I established my authority with a tone I only reserve for the most critical moments of our marriage: the voice of a whiny, four-year-old little girl...
"But HUN-neeeee...I gotta...do...my QUOTE-ed entry!"
Hmmm...I wasn't counting on that response. How could I convince her that Quoted was more important than Christmas if she didn't even know what it was? And even if I did convince her that it was important, how could I make it as important as preparing for Christmas? Perhaps if I could convince her that writing a Quoted entry was actually related to Christmas.
Unfortunately, I can't string Quoted along the roof of my house (I tried it, the rain gutters wouldn't support the monitor). There is nothing about Quoted that smells of gingerbread and hot spiced cider (although my keyboard smells a bit like old Doritos). Plus, it is completely impossible to convince a computer to eat a figgy pudding, bundle up against the cold and join a merry, festive crew to go a-wassailing. I tried every pro-wassailing argument I could think of, and...no dice.
This is why I am glad I have readers to help me out. For those of you who don't know about Quoted submissions, you can submit your favorite quotes to Quoted via the 'Submit A Quote' option in the drop down menu at the bottom of every Quoted entry. Fill out the form and submit it, and I will get an email with your spiffy new quote. For those of you who do know about Quoted submissions, thank you for stuffing my stockings with Quote submissions. There is probably some sort of creepy Santa/internet stalker sexual innuendo joke just waiting to crawl out of that last sentence, but, by golly, I must be too full of holiday cheer to ferret it out right now. So I will just give you your quotes...
I love a good full moon. I love how it shines brighter than the street lights.
I love a good crescent moon as well, but it mostly just reminds me of a toe nail clipping, and that's not very poetic.
So, the message is I guess in a nutshell, if you have a face, game on because I will eat you if you appear on my plate. Like an Anti-Noah, one or two of every animal, in my belly.
From Smoog (Sent by Stuart):
Does it really make me a Scrooge-like entity when I say, "Thanks, but I'll pass"? It has nothing to do with a lack of cheery holiday spirit within me. It has to do with the fact that holiday spirit, while cheery in theory, is anything but in practice. Holiday spirit is not benevolent and fun. Holiday spirit ends marriages. Holiday spirit destroys the innocence of children. Holiday spirit kills people.
So, Frosty, stick that in your corn cob pipe and smoke it, you hypothermia-inducing, frozen-toe-losing pile of chemically tainted ice chips.
The Christmas trees are here...and they are PISSED.
Watch your backs!