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2002-12-13 - 5:00 a.m.

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From Rumblelizard (Submitted by Sianni)

As an aside, is there any other religion besides Christianity whose members advertise themselves so blatantly? I mean, how many cars with silver Stars of David do you see driving around? How many cars with "Hi, I'm Islamic!" written on them? How many cars do you see with "Kiss me, I'm a Buddhist!" stickers?

From Jeffy (Submitted by Mopsiehoney)

It just fell off the wall and cracked with nothing more than a glance on my part. This is obviously Jesus' way of confirming my uglytude (The management at Jeffy's Diary Shack and Dry Cleaning Emporium reserves the right to make up words to suit the needs of the business and its patrons).

From Tyd (Submitted by Bly)

If you ever see a rabid looking person wearing a Gryffindor scarf, clutching a cherry and maple wand running down the main street of Sydney yelling out 'Expelliarmus', hissing like a snake and trying to fly on a plastic broom then you'll know you've found me.

From Dizboy (Submitted by Chauffi)

Retail is so ridiculous at times. Especially at a store like Gap, where over the past two years they've tried to switched their image at least fifty times. They've more marketing positions than the Kama Sutra has sexual. Did that sound right in your head? Read it again. I had to.

From Playerpiano (Submitted by Seole)

"Oh no! I've totally lost my marbles." That is what my little brother said. I found it hilarious. He didn't. That was because he really couldn't find his marbles

From Broken-Glass (Submitted by Paul)

Gangs of marauding minimum wage workers otherwise doomed to the bus would now have half an hour to spare in which they might get off the train and flick cigarette ash on someone's Lincoln Navigator. Their maids, now being able to ride a train to work, might become uppity.

From Snowy (Submitted by Mopsiehoney)

Unless you're still hung up on the whole disgusted thing, in which case I suggest you might not read on, because I am so gay, it just shines through every word and every sentence. I'm a pig. It's true. A disgusting pig with a desire to be Moses in the parting of the red cheeks.

From Tattodnanny (Submitted by Golfwidow)

I can make sucky, oddly shaped hamburgers all on my own. When I go to the clown burger for a quick bag of take out, I want perfectly circular burgers, that no human could have ever shaped by hand.

From Revhooligan (Submitted by Golfwidow)

I may get a job at McDonalds this week just so I can quit it dramatically. I've never used the phrase “cocksucking death merchant” in an exit interview. It sounds like fun.

From Guest of Beth:

They had a display case of thank-you letters from the community, which might have looked nice if you didn't scrutinize them, which I of course did. One thanked the store for hiring a mentally marginal employee, who was referred to as both "her" and "him" in the same paragraph. (Looks like someone doesn't know how to finesse a MailMerged document.) Another was a grateful (form) letter thanking them for donating some ice. "Ice" was underlined. As in, "thank you for the _____, it was just what I wanted." In yet another letter, the original "Dear _____" had been whited out, typed over with "K St. McDonald's."