Archives New! Everything Else

2005-11-03 - 9:08 p.m.

Final Halloween 2005 Quotes

We experienced our first Halloween in the new neighborhood a few days ago.

They came in droves.

The children descended upon us like a swarm of sweet-toothed locust. They chewed us up like a school of sugar-infused piranhas. They attacked like hyperactive lion cubs bringing down a wounded, chocolate- and caramel-flavored wildebeest.

Large organic blobs of families, and friends, and family friends of friends of families, were oozing along our streets and sidewalks and driveways. An overabundance of automobiles packed into any available parking spot confirmed my suspicions that the "Pleasantville" atmosphere of our yuppie-infested, baby-making neighborhood was producing some sort of trick-or-treat pheromone.

These people had come from elsewhere.

The scariest part was that all of the commotion was occurring in the middle of a drenching thunderstorm. What this meant was my backup plan of turning the garden hose on the kids when we ran out of candy was completely useless. The tykes were made of sterner stuff.

I returned from work to find an empty candy bowl on my foyer table and my wife cowering in the pantry. She was trying to decide if handing out soda pop or canned fruit cocktail was commensurate with distributing Halloween candy.

"We can't give the kids soda and canned goods for treats," I said.

"Why not?" she asked.

"Because that will make us 'that house'."

"What house?"

"The house that all the kids who visited tell other kids to avoid. They say, 'Oh, don't go to that house. That's the house that is handing out Pepsi and pineapple spears.' That puts our house on par with the "apples and raisins" houses, the "bags of pennies" houses and the "dentist who hands out toothpaste" houses. We can't be one of those houses."

"What's the difference?" she said, "It's all just a bunch of sugar anyway."

"Well, then," I said, "We might as well just dump cups of sugar into their bags when they come to the know, cut out the middleman."

I endured an icy stare, then said, "Or I could go pick up some more candy."

I went to Safeway to gather some more goodies. As I was pulling into the parking lot, I saw the gut-wrenching flash of red and blue lights in my rearview mirror. Instantly, I went into obsessive guilt mode, trying to pinpoint the heinous crime I had perpetrated. My heart was going a mile a minute as the cop walked up and informed me that I had a broken taillight.

I wanted to tell him that I had simply dressed up my car for Halloween as a "car with a broken taillight". Instead I said, "That's weird, I just got a taillight fixed. The other one must have gone out also."

"I won't give you a ticket," he said, "just make sure you get it fixed soon."

Thanks officer...I, and the brand new ulcer you just gave me, will get right on that.

The reason I am providing all this information is because it explains why I didn't get the submitted Halloween links posted on Halloween.

The reason I didn't get the links posted in the last few days after Halloween is because I was catching up with my Tivo shows.

I think excuse for Halloween night is much, much better.

I didn't get a lot of Halloween submissions, but here are the ones I got...

Natalie Dee's Halloween Entry (Sent by Anonymous)

Meine-Kleine's Halloween Cake (Sent by Anonymous)

Bindyree's Halloween Friday Five (Sent by Anonymous)

ebm's Halloween Costume Pictures (Sent by Anonymous)

Clarity25's Halloween (Spooky) Links (Sent by Anonymous)