2005-11-30 - 10:57 p.m.
Dog Day Afternoon And Exciting Evening Quotes
So here I am again with a fistful O' Quotes. Time to write the Quoted entry.
You know, that's the collection of words you have to scroll past to get to the quotes.
And now I gotta git to gittin 'er done.
Yup, it's not like I don't have, like, ten hundred fa-ha-ger-shmillion ideas for this entry. I mean, I don't have to stoop to telling you about the boring details of my day just to fill up space or something.
Okay, so today, after I finished work, my wife made me go clean up the dog poop in our back yard. I haven't yet decided if picking up cold dog poop is better, or worse, than picking up warm dog poop; however, I firmly believe that picking up any kind of dog poop, in general, is less fun than picking up other things, like dry cleaning, or Chinese food takeout, or sleazy women.
So, anyway, I am outside picking up dog poop. Behind our house is a thickly wooded area and we have these weird little neighbor kids who hang out in the woods and spy on us. Why? I don't know. Apparently, they enjoy watching me picking up dog poop.
Except that, today, I don't think they enjoy watching me at all, because, when I pick up dog poop, I don't carry it around with me; instead, I pick up a poo pile and toss it into the wooded area behind my house. And when I do that, sometimes I hit weird little neighbor kids who are hiding out there, watching me.
You can tell when you hit them because little kids tend to make a lot of noise after the initial impact.
At any rate, I unintentionally took care of the spying problem and I now have a clean lawn to boot.
Now aren't you glad you took the time to read my entry? No? Well, let's see if you fare any better with this latest collection of Quotes...
My friend Meagan's due date is today. She asked her oldest son if he wanted her to wake him up if the baby came in the middle of the night.
Jake said: "Yea, but...um, mom? Make sure you take your pants off before the baby is born so he doesn't get stuck in your pants."
Then her younger son was heard quietly complaining in the background:
"I wish I didn't come out of Mom's vagina."
Oh the horrors of educated children.
I swear to God, if I hear Mariah Carey, Madonna, or Kelly Clarkson one more time, I will be forced to have sex with them. Err....maybe only Kelly Clarkson. The other two are like STD grab bags.
Oh yeah, and working hard is giving me nightmares. I haven't had a nightmare since I was four years old. And trust me, this one was a lot scarier than Looney Tunes characters chasing me through a swamp
So, there you have my last week in a nutshell. The shell of a very boring, every day nut like a peanut. Not the shell of some exotic, tough-to-crack nut like a Brazil Nut or Hazel Nut. Sorry! It's the best I can do.
One morning I awoke and the entire left side of my mouth felt weird and heavy and PARALYZED!! It was just hanging there, all crooked. I completely froze...afraid to even TRY to move, because I was convinced I'd had a STROKE.
...so, I jumped out of bed to look in the mirror.
OH. MY. GOD. There was a Saltine stuck to my bottom lip. I must have conked out while "sleep-eating" some crackers.
I have this little thing I do to make my house smell good. I dont bake. Ever. But I love the smells. I put an old small sauce pan on the stove, fill it half way with water. Add cinnamon sticks, some ground cinnamon, nutmeg, dried orange peel, some cloves and a bit of vanilla extract. I turn the heat on the very lowest setting. Soon my house smells delicious.
People come here and when they walk in I always hear, "My god it smells wonderful in here. what are you cooking?"
Then I fall over laughing and say "I'm cooking potpourri you fucking idiot. You dont know me at all if you think I am baking anything."